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纽约时报双语:如何跟孩子谈论色情片?

如何跟孩子谈论色情片?
Kids Are Watching Pornography. Here’s How to Talk About It.
SHAFIA ZALOOM
2020年12月11日
纽约时报双语:如何跟孩子谈论色情片?

The New York Times columnist Nicholas Kristof’s recent report on videos of child sexual abuse on the website Pornhub may have parents wondering if their own children are watching Pornhub, or other pornography websites. Others may be appalled by the possibility that their child may view videos of assault and rape, or ask for or send sexually explicit selfies that could end up on social media or a porn site.

纽约时报》专栏作家纪思道(Nicholas Kristof)近期对Pornhub上儿童性虐待视频的报道,可能会让许多家长在想,他们的孩子是否会在Pornhub或其他色情网站上看视频。而有的家长也许会为孩子观看性侵和强奸视频、要求他人发送或自己把性露骨的自拍发给别人的可能性感到震惊。

All kinds of kids come across porn, and some routinely seek it out, younger than parents might expect. Beware of thinking “not my child.” In my experience as a sex education teacher and national consultant on relationships and consent, I talk about sex with lots of kids. It’s a rare teen who hasn’t seen sexually explicit media — for some, even before having a first kiss.

所有孩子都会看到色情片,一些年纪比父母预期小得多的孩子还会定期去搜寻色情片。要警惕“我孩子不这样”的想法。在作为一名性教育老师和国家亲密关系咨询专家的经历中,我会与许多孩子谈论性。没看过性暴露媒体的青少年是很少见的——一些人甚至在初吻前就看过了。

Here are some talking points and guidelines to consider.

这里是一些可以纳入考量的谈话要点和指南。

How do I start the conversation?

我如何开启这个话题?

Before you start the discussion with your children, consider what you might want them to think, learn and know about sexuality and intimacy.

在你开始与孩子谈论这个话题时,要好好考虑你想让他们思考、学习和了解关于性和亲密行为的哪些方面。

Think about whether the messages you give are about porn or about sex. As Mr. Kristof wrote, “It should be possible to be sex positive and Pornhub negative.”

好好想想你传达出的信息是关于色情,还是关于性的。正如纪思道写的那样,“性积极和不上Pornhub理应是可以兼得的。”

For younger children, under 10, “If we want children’s understanding of sexuality to be connected to human intimacy, we must talk about how physical and emotional intimacy are related to each other,” said Deborah Roffman, author of “Talk to Me First: Everything You Need to Know to Become Your Kids’ ‘Go-To’ Person About Sex.”

对于10岁以下那些年纪更小的孩子,“如果我们希望孩子对性的理解是和人与人那种亲密性有关,我们就必须谈论身体和情感亲密性之间彼此是如何息息相关的这一点,”《先和我聊聊:想让孩子一有性方面的问题就会想到来找你,你需要知道这些》(Talk to Me First: Everything You Need to Know to Become Your Kids’ ‘Go-To’ Person About Sex)一书的作者黛博拉·罗夫曼(Deborah Roffman)说。

She suggested talking with your child about “cuddling and the amazing feelings it evokes — help them name feeling safe, loved and protected. That physical contact within the context of pornography is the opposite of that.”

她建议与孩子谈谈“依偎在一起,还有这种行为带来的美好感觉——这能帮助他们感到安全、被爱和受到保护。在色情片语境里的这一身体接触则是这一概念的反面。”

It is also important to have parental controls in place on digital devices, to help protect kids from accidentally seeing something disturbing.

在电子设备上设置好家长控制(parental controls)也很重要,这有助于不让孩子意外看到令人不安的东西。

For kids in middle school, I provide concrete metaphors to make the point that porn isn’t an accurate portrayal of sex and certainly not of sexual intimacy. I tell my students, “Sometimes people look at porn because they want to learn about sex, but that’s like watching ‘The Fast and the Furious’ to learn how to drive.” Then we watch the trailer for “The Fast and the Furious” and discuss questions like, who was impacted by the driving? What were the consequences? What makes it entertaining to watch? How is it different from real life?

对于那些在初中的孩子,我会给出明确的比喻,来阐明观点:色情片不是性的准确呈现,也绝对不是性亲密的准确呈现。我会告诉我的学生,“有时候人们会想要通过色情片学习关于性的知识,但那样的话就像是看《速度与激情》(The Fast and the Furious)学开车一样。”然后,我们会看《速度与激情》的预告片,探讨一些这样的问题:谁会受到这样开车的影响?后果是什么?是什么让它具有观赏娱乐性?它与现实有什么不同?

These conversations help my students understand that porn creates highly dramatized, even caricatured images of sex, just as the film does with driving, and that real-life experiences may look very different.

这些对话帮助我的学生了解到,就像是影片中的开车场面一样,色情片创造出来的性形象是极度戏剧化,甚至是夸张的,真实生活的体验可能非常不一样。

Try to talk with your teenager openly and honestly, and without judgment, shaming or ultimatums. Choose a time that is private and somewhat casual, like a car ride (which can feel less intensely intimate because eyes are focused ahead and not on each other) or a walk or hike (because an activity and movement serves the same purpose) or late at night after a family movie (kids are smart, they know adults tend to be tired around this time and will talk less and listen more).

要尝试以开放、诚恳,不带评判、羞辱或下最后通牒的态度与你的青少年孩子谈。要选择一个私下、比较轻松的时机,像是乘车的时候(因为大家眼睛都看着前面而不是对方,所以能让人觉得没那么过分亲密)或是散步或爬山的时候(因为这是一个有相同目标的活动和行动),或是在一家人看完电影之后的深夜(孩子都很聪明,他们知道大人这时候一般很累,会少说多聆听)。

This should be the start of a series of conversations, not a one-time lecture. Stick with open-ended “how” and “what” questions, like “What do you think teenagers use pornography for?” Or, “How do you think porn impacts people’s real-life relationships?” Let them be the experts of their own experience and start with what they observe and think about the topic rather than pushing them to tell you about their porn experiences.

这应该是一系列对话的开始,而不是仅此一次的说教。要用开放式的“如何”以及“什么”这样的问题,比如“你觉得青少年为什么看色情片?”或是“你怎么看待色情片对人们现实生活中关系的影响?”,让他们做自己经历的专家,以他们观察到的事物以及对这个话题的思考作为开始,而不是强迫他们告诉你他们看色情片的经历。

What if my kid is embarrassed?

如果我的孩子感到丢脸怎么办?

Your teenager is likely to resist any conversation with you about porn — and about any topic related to sex. Still, it’s important for you to raise the issue and make sure your child has the important information they need, even if they don’t seem to want to hear it.

对于和你谈论色情片以及任何与性相关的话题,你青少年孩子很可能会有所抵触。但就算他们看上去不想听,你聊起这个问题,确保你的孩子能了解他们所需的重要信息是很重要的。

The absence of a response does not necessarily mean that your child is not listening. You can say, for example, “I’ve been wanting to talk to you about porn, but the opportunity hasn’t really come up yet, so I’m just going to share some of the information I think is important.” If you meet resistance, you might continue with, “I know this is awkward and difficult. It is for me, too. I also realize this may or may not be relevant to you, but it’s pervasive in our culture, so I want to make sure you have some important information about porn and healthy relationships.”

得不到回应,不一定就意味着你的孩子没有在聆听。比如,你可以说“我一直都想和你聊聊色情片,但没找到机会,所以我打算和你分享一些我觉得重要的信息”。如果你遭遇抵触,可以接着这么说,“我知道这很尴尬,很难。我也这么觉得。我也知道这可能和你没什么关系,但它在我们的文化里如此普遍,所以我想确保你了解关于色情片和健康关系的一些重要信息。”

What does my kid really need to know?

我的孩子需要知道些什么?

As part of your conversations, even if they are one-sided, it’s important to include the following messages:

作为你们对话的一部分,即便是单方面的,囊括以下信息也很重要:

Porn is someone else’s fantasy that doesn’t come from your own imagination and is not reflective of most people’s sexual realities and safe sexuality practices.

色情片是他人的幻想,并不是你自己的想象,也并不是大多数人真实性经历和安全性行为的的反映。

Porn is entertainment, and is largely driven by making what sells and what will make a profit.

色情片是个娱乐产品,基本上是由什么会畅销、什么能盈利驱动的。

Performers’ bodies are typically altered and enhanced to curate a specific look.

表演人员的身体通常经过了修改和增强,目的是为了打造某种特定形象。

The models are hired to perform, so it is possible that it’s contractual, not consensual.

这些模特是被雇佣来表演的,所以很可能它是合同规定的产物,而不是双方知情同意的产物。

There’s nothing private about it. Privacy is a healthy component of a sexual relationship.

色情片一点也不私人。隐私是一段性关系里的健康组成部分。

What you’re seeing is not realistic on many levels. For example, a 10-minute sex scene may take hours to make. Actors often use erectile enhancers to maintain arousal. If a scene doesn’t come out the way they want it, they just reshoot it. Editing after the fact creates a specific representation.

你所看到的东西在许多层面上都很不现实。比如,一场10分钟的性场面可能会花费好几个小时拍摄。演员们往往会用勃起增强剂来保证生理兴奋不减。如果一个场面拍出来效果不如预期,他们就会再拍一次。在拍完之后再剪辑能创造某种特定的呈现。

What if my child has sent a nude?

如果我的孩子给别人发过裸照怎么办?

It is relatively common for children under 18 to ask for, take, send and receive nudes, but doing so can carry real consequences. The federal government considers it trafficking in child pornography, even if you are taking and sending pictures of yourself. Educate yourself on federal laws regarding pornography and your state’s teen sexting laws.

18岁以下的孩子要求他人发送、自己拍,自己发出或是收到裸照都较为常见,但这么做会带来实际的后果。即便是你拍摄和发送的是自己的照片,联邦政府还是会将这种做法视为儿童色情里的交易。请自行了解联邦政府在色情片方面的法规,以及你所在的州关于青少年发送色情信息方面的规定。

If your child tells you about sending a nude, do your best to stay composed and resist any temptation to interrogate, shame or victim-blame. You may say, “I’m glad that you’ve come to me to tell me.” Focus on the person who has broken trust with your child and is sharing or posting the pictures.

如果你的孩子告诉了你发裸照的事情,要尽可能保持冷静,按耐住想要质问、羞辱或责备受害者的冲动。你可以这么说,“我很高兴你来告诉我这件事。”把关注点放在那个打破与你孩子之间的信任、与他人分享或将这些照片发上网的人。

When people’s nude images are posted online without their consent, they may experience the violation as if it had happened in person. It can be devastating. Ask what your child would like to share. Remember that abuse is a disempowering experience; we want survivors to feel they can have autonomy as they navigate their process. Use open-ended questions and their comfort level to guide the conversation. Empower them to make their own choices by offering options and resources like therapeutic counseling or reporting to law enforcement.

当裸照在没有得到同意的情况下被发上网,他们可能会有一种亲身遭遇侵害的感觉。这可能会给人带来毁灭性的打击。问问你的孩子想分享哪些故事。要记住遭到虐待会让人失去力量。我们会希望幸存者在自己摸索的过程中,感到自己掌握自主权。用开放式的问题和他们感到舒适的程度来引导对话。通过提供像是治疗性咨询或向执法部门报警的选项,赋予他们自己做决定的权利。

How can I help?

我能如何提供帮助?

As a parent, you have been teaching your children values in all aspects of their lives. Talk about what mutual respect looks, sounds and feels like within a sexual context. It’s important to emphasize that sexual relationships can include both emotional and physical intimacy; the connection usually includes romantic interest and sexual attraction.

作为一名家长,你一直在教授孩子生活各方面的价值观。与孩子谈论一下在一个性语境里,互相尊重具体看起来、听起来、感受起来是什么样子的。强调性关系可以既包括情感上,也包括身体上的亲密,以及这种关系通常同时包括浪漫感觉和性吸引力的这几点很重要。

Without guidance from the adults in their lives about how pleasurable sexual experiences should look, sound, and feel, kids are working from the representations they see on screens. Make sure to provide age appropriate, medically accurate information about sexuality as well as guidance on how to apply that information to their intimate relationships. Encourage your kids to define gender for themselves, to avoid letting stereotypes shape their actions, and to be sober and brave in social and sexual situations.

在愉快性经验应该看上去、听起来、感受起来是什么样的这些方面,在生活中没有成年人给予指导的情况下,孩子们是跟着他们在屏幕上看到的描绘行事的。要确保你给他们提供关于性方面年龄适宜、医学上准确的信息,以及在如何将这些信息运用到他们的亲密关系上提供指导。鼓励你的孩子自我定义性别,以免刻板印象塑造他们的行为,在社交和性情境里做到冷静勇敢。

Remind them that sexual discovery should be good, exciting and fun for both partners. Most of all, emphasize that sex is not a performance, but a felt experience.

要提醒他们,对伴侣双方来说,在性方面的探索发现是好事,令人激动人心且有趣的。最重要的是,要强调性并非表演,而是一个感受的过程。

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