在谷歌遭遇性骚扰后，我再也不会爱上一份工作
After Working at Google, I’ll Never Let Myself Love a Job Again
EMI NIETFELD
2021年4月8日
I used to be a Google engineer. That often feels like the defining fact about my life. When I joined the company after college in 2015, it was at the start of a multiyear reign atop Forbes’s list of best workplaces.
我曾是一名谷歌(Google)工程师。总感觉这就是定义我人生的事实。2015年大学毕业后进入这家公司时，它正要开始在《福布斯》(Forbes)最佳工作场所排行榜榜首连续多年的蝉联。
I bought into the Google dream completely. In high school, I spent time homeless and in foster care, and was often ostracized for being nerdy. I longed for the prestige of a blue-chip job, the security it would bring and a collegial environment where I would work alongside people as driven as I was.
我彻底信了谷歌梦。高中时，我一度无家可归，进寄养系统，因为像个书呆子总是格格不入。我渴望在一家蓝筹企业工作的风光，它所带来的安全感，以及一个大学式的环境，让我可以和像我一样有干劲的人共事。
What I found was a surrogate family. During the week, I ate all my meals at the office. I went to the Google doctor and the Google gym. My colleagues and I piled into Airbnbs on business trips, played volleyball in Maui after a big product launch and even spent weekends together, once paying $170 and driving hours to run an obstacle course in the freezing rain.
我找到的是一个寄养之家。周中我在办公室吃一日三餐。我看谷歌的医生，去谷歌的健身房。我和同事们会在出差时挤进爱彼迎(Airbnb)客房，在大型产品发布会后到茂宜岛打排球，甚至连周末都一起度过，有次花了170美元，在一个寒冷的雨天驱车几小时去一个障碍场训练。
My manager felt like the father I wished I’d had. He believed in my potential and cared about my feelings. All I wanted was to keep getting promoted so that as his star rose, we could keep working together. This gave purpose to every task, no matter how grueling or tedious.
我的经理就像我渴望拥有的父亲。他相信我的潜力，关心我的感受。我想要的就是继续升职，这样一来，他手下的明星冉冉升起，我们就能继续合作了。这让每一项工作任务都有了使命感，无论多么劳累或乏味。
The few people who’d worked at other companies reminded us that there was nowhere better. I believed them, even when my technical lead — not my manager, but the man in charge of my day-to-day work — addressed me as “beautiful” and “gorgeous,” even after I asked him to stop. (Finally, I agreed that he could call me “my queen.”) He used many of our one-on-one meetings to ask me to set him up with friends, then said he wanted “A blonde. A tall blonde.” Someone who looked like me.
在其他公司工作过的少数几个人提醒我们，没有比这更好的地方了。我相信他们的话，虽然我的技术主管（不是我的经理，而是负责我日常工作的男性）用“美丽”和“惊艳”描述我，哪怕我已经要求他别再这么说。（最后，我同意他可以称呼我为“我的女王”。）在我们的一对一会面中，他多次让我给他介绍朋友，然后说他想要“一个金发的。金发高个”。就是看起来像我的人。
Saying anything about his behavior meant challenging the story we told ourselves about Google being so special. The company anticipated our every need — nap pods, massage chairs, Q-Tips in the bathroom, a shuttle system to compensate for the Bay Area’s dysfunctional public transportation — until the outside world began to seem hostile. Google was the Garden of Eden; I lived in fear of being cast out.
只要提到他的行为，就意味着质疑我们告诉自己的谷歌有多么特别的故事。这家公司预见到我们的每个需求——小憩舱、按摩椅、洗手间的棉签、弥补旧金山公共交通瘫痪的通勤系统——直到外部世界看起来充满敌意。谷歌就是伊甸园；而我生活在被驱逐出园的恐惧中。
When I talked to outsiders about the harassment, they couldn’t understand: I had one of the sexiest jobs in the world. How bad could it be? I asked myself this, too. I worried that I was taking things personally and that if anyone knew I was upset, they’d think I wasn’t tough enough to hack it in our intense environment.
当我对外人提及遭遇的骚扰时，他们无法理解：我在做世界上最爽的工作之一。能有多糟呢？我也问过自己这个问题。我怕我太感情用事，如果别人发现我在生气，会认为是我不够坚强，不能在我们紧张的工作环境中应付过去。
So I didn’t tell my manager about my tech lead’s behavior for more than a year. Playing along felt like the price of inclusion. I spoke up only when it looked like he would become an official manager — my manager — replacing the one I adored and wielding even more power over me. At least four other women said that he’d made them uncomfortable, in addition to two senior engineers who already made it clear that they wouldn’t work with him.
所以，在一年多时间里，我没有将技术主管的行为告诉我的经理。顺从行事似乎就是融入的代价。只有当他即将取代我所崇敬的人，成为正式经理——也就是我的经理——对我拥有更大权力的时候，我才说出这一切。除了两名已经明确表示不愿与他共事的高级工程师外，至少还有另外四名女性声称，他让她们感觉不舒服。
As soon as my complaint with H.R. was filed, Google went from being a great workplace to being any other company: It would protect itself first. I’d structured my life around my job — exactly what they wanted me to do — but that only made the fallout worse when I learned that the workplace that I cherished considered me just an employee, one of many and disposable.
在我向人力部门投诉的那一刻，谷歌就从一个顶级工作场所变成了其他任何公司：它最先做的事就是保护自己。正如他们所希望的那样，我把工作变成了生活中心，但当我发现我所珍视的工作场所仅仅把我当作一名和很多人一样可以随意处置的员工，这只会让后果更加糟糕。
The process stretched out for nearly three months. In the meantime I had to have one-on-one meetings with my harasser and sit next to him. Every time I asked for an update on the timeline and expressed my discomfort at having to continue to work in proximity to my harasser, the investigators said that I could seek counseling, work from home or go on leave. I later learned that Google had similar responses to other employees who reported racism or sexism. Claire Stapleton, one of the 2018 walkout organizers, was encouraged to take leave, and Timnit Gebru, a lead researcher on Google’s Ethical AI team, was encouraged to seek mental health care before being forced out.
整个过程持续了近三个月。在此期间，我不得不与骚扰我的人单独会面，还要坐在他旁边。每次我找调查人员询问进展，以及对必须在骚扰者附近继续工作表达不安，他们都会说，我可以寻求心理咨询、在家工作或是休假。后来我了解到，谷歌对其他报告种族或性别歧视的员工也有类似的反应。2018年罢工的组织者之一克莱尔·斯台普顿(Claire Stapleton)被劝休假，谷歌伦理人工智能(Ethical AI)团队的首席研究员蒂姆尼特·格布鲁(Timnit Gebru)在被迫离职前曾被劝寻求心理治疗。
I resisted. How would being alone by myself all day, apart from my colleagues, friends and support system, possibly help? And I feared that if I stepped away, the company wouldn’t continue the investigation.
我拒绝这么做。没有同事、朋友和支援系统，我整天一个人待着能有什么用？我也担心，如果我离开，公司就不会继续调查下去了。
Eventually, the investigators corroborated my claims and found my tech lead violated the Code of Conduct and the policy against harassment. My harasser still sat next to me. My manager told me H.R. wouldn’t even make him change his desk, let alone work from home or go on leave. He also told me that my harasser received a consequence that was severe and that I would feel better if I could know what it was, but it sure seemed like nothing happened.
最终，调查人员证实了我的说法，发现我的技术主管违反了行为准则和反骚扰政策。骚扰我的人还坐在我旁边。我的经理告诉我，人力甚至不会让他更换工位，更别说在家工作或休假了。他还告诉我，骚扰者已经承受了严重后果，如果我能知道那是什么，或许会感觉好一些，但看起来就像什么都没有发生。
The aftermath of speaking up had broken me down. It dredged up the betrayals of my past that I’d gone into tech trying to overcome. I’d made myself vulnerable to my manager and the investigators but felt I got nothing solid in return. I was constantly on edge from seeing my harasser in the hallways and at the cafes. When people came up behind my desk, I startled more and more easily, my scream echoing across the open-floor-plan office. I worried I’d get a poor performance review, ruining my upward trajectory and setting my career back even further.
发声的后果让我崩溃。它让我想起了过去遭遇的背叛，我进入科技行业就是为了摆脱这些。我让自己在经理和调查人员面前不堪一击，但我觉得我没有得到任何实质性的回报。在走廊和餐厅里见到骚扰者，我总是紧张不安。有人到我工位后面，我越来越容易受到惊吓，我的尖叫声就在开放式办公室里回响。我害怕自己的绩效评估会很差，毁掉我的升职轨迹，让我的职业生涯倒退更多。
I went weeks without sleeping through the night.
有好几个星期我都没睡过整觉。
I decided to take three months of paid leave. I feared that going on leave would set me back for promotion in a place where almost everyone’s progress is public and seen as a measure of an engineer’s worth and expertise. Like most of my colleagues, I’d built my life around the company. It could so easily be taken away. People on leave weren’t supposed to enter the office — where I went to the gym and had my entire social life.
我决定请三个月的带薪假。我担心在一个几乎所有人的进步都是公开的，并被视为工程师价值和专业水平衡量标准的地方，休假会阻碍我升职。和大多数同事一样，我的生活围绕着公司转。它太容易被夺走了。休假的人不该进入办公室——那是我去健身房，以及我全部社交生活所在的地方。
Fortunately, I still had a job when I got back. If anything, I was more eager than ever to excel, to make up for lost time. I was able to earn a very high performance rating — my second in a row. But it seemed clear I would not be a candidate for promotion. After my leave, the manager I loved started treating me as fragile. He tried to analyze me, suggesting that I drank too much caffeine, didn’t sleep enough or needed more cardiovascular exercise. Speaking out irreparably damaged one of my most treasured relationships. Six months after my return, when I broached the subject of promotion, he told me, “People in wood houses shouldn’t light matches.”
幸运的是，回来的时候，我还有一份工作。如果说有什么不同的话，那就是我比以往任何时候都更加渴望出类拔萃，渴望弥补失去的时间。我获得了很高的绩效评价，这是我连续第二次获得高评价。但很明显，我不会成为晋升人选。我离开后，我曾经很喜欢的那位经理开始把我当成脆弱的人。他试着分析我，觉得我摄入了太多咖啡因，睡眠不足，或者需要更多的有氧锻炼。说出来的话不可挽回地破坏了我最珍贵的一段感情。我回来六个月后向他提出升职的问题，他告诉我：“住在木头房子里的人不应该点火柴。”
When I didn’t get a promotion, some of my stock grants ran out and so I effectively took a big pay cut. Nevertheless, I wanted to stay at Google. I still believed, despite everything, that Google was the best company in the world. Now I see that my judgment was clouded, but after years of idolizing my workplace, I couldn’t imagine life beyond its walls.
我没有得到升职，而且我的一些股票奖励用完了，所以我实际上遭到了大幅减薪。尽管如此，我还是想留在谷歌。不管怎样，我仍然相信谷歌是世界上最好的公司。现在我明白了，我的判断力被蒙蔽了，但是这么多年来，我一直崇拜着我的工作场所，我无法想象离开它之后的生活。
So I interviewed with and got offers from two other top tech companies, hoping that Google would match. In response, Google offered me slightly more money than I was making, but it was still significantly less than my competing offers. I was told that the Google finance office calculated what I was worth to the company. I couldn’t help thinking that this calculus included the complaint I’d filed and the time I’d taken off as a consequence.
所以我去了另外两家顶尖科技公司面试，并且得到了他们的录用通知，希望谷歌能够给我匹配的待遇。作为回应，谷歌向我提供比我当时多一点的薪水，但仍然远远低于另外两家公司的竞价。我被告知谷歌财务办公室计算了我对公司的价值。我不禁想到，这个计算包括了我提出的投诉，以及我因此请假的时间。
I felt I had no choice but to leave, this time for good. Google’s meager counteroffer was final proof that this job was just a job and that I’d be more valued if I went elsewhere.
我觉得我别无选择，只能离开，这次是永远离开。谷歌微薄的还价最终证明了这份工作只是一份工作，如果我去别的地方会更有价值。
After I quit, I promised myself to never love a job again. Not in the way I loved Google. Not with the devotion businesses wish to inspire when they provide for employees’ most basic needs like food and health care and belonging. No publicly traded company is a family. I fell for the fantasy that it could be.
辞职后，我向自己保证，我再也不会热爱一份工作了。不会像我热爱谷歌那样。当企业为员工提供食品、医疗保健和归属感等最基本的需求时，它们希望能激发员工的奉献精神，这样的感情我再也不会有。任何上市公司都不可能成为什么大家庭。我却爱上了那种它是一个家的幻觉。
So I took a role at a firm to which I felt no emotional attachment. I like my colleagues, but I’ve never met them in person. I found my own doctor; I cook my own food. My manager is 26 — too young for me to expect any parental warmth from him. When people ask me how I feel about my new position, I shrug: It’s a job.
所以我去了一家我并不依恋的公司工作。我喜欢我的同事，但我从没见过他们本人。我自己找医生；我自己做饭。我的主管才26岁，他太年轻了，我不可能从他那里得到父母般的温暖。人们问我对新工作感觉如何，我耸耸肩：只是一份工作。
