打倒英国君主制
Down With the British Monarchy
HAMILTON NOLAN
2021年3月11日
A recent interview you may have heard about revealed that the British monarchy is a toxic den of backbiting and racism. And who would doubt it? There is nothing easier to believe than that an institution created to be the physical embodiment of classism is awash in inhumanity. Where the public response to this humdrum revelation has gone astray is in the widespread conviction that we should make the monarchy better. Not at all. You cannot turn a bottle of poison into a refreshing drink, no matter how much sugar you pour into it.
你可能听说了最近那个采访，揭露了英国王室是一个充满诽谤中伤和种族主义的恶意之地。谁说不是呢？一个作为阶级主义的实际载体而创建的机构毫无人情味，这太顺理成章了。面对如此稀松平常的内幕曝光，公众的反应有些鸡同鸭讲，因为人们普遍认为，我们可以让王室变好。根本不可能。不管你加多少糖，也不可能把一瓶毒药变成清甜的饮料。
A just and proper response to what we have learned would be for the entire United Kingdom to come together, join hands in a great circle around the institution of the monarchy and burn it to the ground, while singing “Sweet Caroline,” to maintain a positive spirit. Then the members of the royal family can sweep up the ashes and deposit them neatly in the bin, a ceremonial beginning to a new life of working for a living.
对于我们了解到的信息，一个公正且适当的回应是让整个英国团结在一起，手拉手唱着《可爱的卡洛琳》(Sweet Caroline)，绕着君主制机构围成一个圈，然后把它烧毁。然后王室成员可以清扫灰烬并仔细地将其倒在垃圾桶里——一个标志着用劳动换取生计的新生活开始的仪式。
The existence of a monarchy is an admission that a government can’t, or doesn’t care to, solve people’s problems. Instead, it offers spectacle. It has always been easier to elevate one family to a fairy-tale life of luxury than to do the dreary work of elevating every single family to a decent standard of living. The common people fund the lifestyle of a tiny, exalted and thoroughly unworthy elite, rather than the other way around. Any nation that still has a monarchy in 2021 is proving itself to have a mortifying lack of revolutionary gumption.
王室的存在意味着政府承认无法解决或不在乎人民的问题。于是它提出让人民看场热闹。提升一个家庭，让它过上童话般的奢华生活，总比枯燥无味地努力提升所有家庭，使其过上不失体面的生活要简单得多。普通百姓出钱供养一帮高高在上但完全配不上这一地位的贵族，而不是反过来。任何一个在2021年仍保留王室的国家，都在证明其革命进取心的严重匮乏。
America is guilty of many crimes against humanity, but this is one thing we got right. Our presidents may be national embarrassments, but at least Americans are not required to scrape and bow before some utterly random rich wastrel whose claim to legitimacy is being the child of the child of the child of someone who was, centuries ago, the nation’s biggest gangster. Yes, we have our own hypnotic capitalist addiction to celebrity, but monarchy is something altogether more twisted — as if the Bush family, the Kardashians and the Falwells were all rolled into one bejeweled quasi-religious fame cult, topped off with a bracing dose of imperialism.
美国曾犯下许多反人类罪行，但在这件事上我们做的是正确的。我们的总统也许会令举国蒙羞，但至少美国人没有被要求向某些完全莫名其妙的废柴有钱人——以几百年前某英国头号黑帮老大的孩子的孩子的孩子的身份证明自己的合法性——卑躬屈膝。是的，我们自己也有资本主义催眠下的对名人的痴迷，但王室完全是一个更扭曲的东西——好像把布什一家、卡戴珊一家和法威尔一家合在一起组成一个珠光宝气的带准宗教性质的崇拜名流的邪教，再添上一笔振奋人心的帝国主义色彩。
What is a monarchy if not the highest veneration of inequality? Based not on moral worth but on accidents of heredity, a small group of people are lavished with millions of dollars skimmed from the public till and are worshiped as sentimental nationalist gods, in exchange only for performing the duty of “being pleasant in public,” which they do with mixed success.
王室除了象征着对不平等致以的最高敬意之外，还能是什么呢？一小撮人不是基于道德价值，而是基于遗传的偶然性，享受着从公众资金中榨取来的数百万美元，并当作煽情的民族主义英雄来崇拜，换来的仅仅是他们“赏心悦目地公开亮相”的职责，而这个工作他们做得也是毁誉参半。
More than 60 million citizens, many of them living in poverty, are instructed to celebrate rather than to loathe this tableau of excess. They are told to be happy that someone has a dream life, even if it is not them, and to live vicariously through this soap opera cast of royals, rather than demanding equality for everyone else. The crown would greatly appreciate if you tune in to this show rather than spending your time reading Karl Marx.
超过6000万公民——其中许多人生活在贫困中——被指示要赞美而不是憎恨这种夸张的场面。他们被告知要为某人拥有梦想中的生活而感到高兴，即使某人不是他们自己，而且要通过这种王室成员上演的肥皂剧来间接体验他们的生活，而不是要求人人平等。圣上衷心期望您来观看这个节目，而不是花时间阅读卡尔·马克思(Karl Marx)。
And that plan appears to be working: More than four in five British adults have a positive view of the queen. The appeal of fancy hats is hard to overcome.
而这种算计似乎奏效：五分之四的英国成年人对女王持正面看法。人们似乎无法抵抗花里胡哨的帽子带来的吸引力。
The stars of this insipid show will change with time. New princes and princesses will be born, opulent weddings will be had, different coddled butts will get their turn to sit on the cushioned throne. These machinations, each of them designed to occupy the public’s attention for a while, are just the scrambling of termites atop the enormous nest that is the monarchy itself. It feeds on the vigor of the working people and regurgitates it into a giant home for itself.
这个乏味节目里的明星将会随着时间而改变。新的王子和公主将诞生，豪华的婚礼将举行，娇生惯养的屁股将挨个坐到舒适的王位上。这些阴谋诡计——一个个都是为了转移公众的注意而设计的——只不过是君主制这个巨大巢穴上面慌乱爬行的白蚁。它以劳动者的力量为食，再反刍到自己的豪宅里。
Abolishing the monarchy shouldn’t be too tricky. First you take away their homes. Then you take away their wealth. Then you take away their titles. All of those things properly belong to the public, and those squatters have held them for far too long.
废除君主制应该不会太棘手。首先，你拿走他们的房子。然后，你拿走他们的财富。然后，你拿走他们的头衔。所有这些都应该属于公众，而那些人将这些东西强占了太久。
The good news for the royal family is that the economy seems to be on the rebound. It shouldn’t be too hard for them to find jobs, even considering their lack of practical experience. They could get honorable jobs at a Tesco market. What a wonderful opportunity for them to earn an honest living, for the first time in their lives. As our social betters often tell the rest of us, hard work is good for self-esteem. I expect that they will soon be happier than ever.
对王室来说，好消息是经济似乎正在反弹。对他们来说，找工作应该不会太难，就算他们没有工作经验。他们可以在Tesco超市找到一份体面的工作。这是他们人生中第一次用双手赚钱的绝妙机会。过得比我们好的人常常告诉其他人，努力工作有助于提升自爱。我估计他们很快将拥有前所未有的幸福。
